Help! I'm self-sabotaging and I can't stop!
This is the first instalment in the brand new Rant at Rosie feature. Rant at Rosie is a modern day agony aunt service where you bring me your dilemmas, worries and the sh*t that is stressing you and I give you my unfiltered opinion!
Disclaimer: The information provided on this blog is for entertainment purposes only. This blog is not a replacement for legal or professional advice and Self-Love Coaching with Rosie may not be held liable for any action taken on the part of the reader that may result in psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual or financial distress.
So, let's get stuck in with the first dilemma...
"How do I stop self sabotaging my new relationships every time someone gets close I do something really stupid, psycho stupid to push them away! and I can't stop I'm beginning to think I'll be single forever"
Self-sabotage is something I see time and time again in my clients (and friends!) and it's so frustrating as an outsider to see someone you love getting in their own way. Self-sabotage is often a deep and overwhelming issue and there can be many reasons for it. A lot of the time, when someone has been hurt in the past in attempt to stop themselves from being hurt again in the future, a self-sabotaging behaviour crops up to end a relationship before there has been an opportunity for the pain, betrayal or other negative experience that you're worrying about. In other situations, self-sabotage can crop up because of struggles with low-self worth and a lack of believe in yourself or not feeling as though you deserve the relationship. I would also say that as human beings we have a tendency to often think "this is too good to be true" and we end up searching for a creating a problem because we're waiting for something to go wrong.
Before I get stuck in to some reading recommendations and steps that can be taken to help overcome self-sabotage I think it's important to say something. You are whole without being in a romantic relationship. The best focus you can have is to move away from the "I'm beginning to think I'll be single forever" and to instead focus on how you can build the most successful and loving relationship with yourself. Finding a partner is a wonderful thing but it's also important to remember that it is the added cherry on top of the ice cream sundae (you're the sundae!). You are an interesting, whole and worthy human being and the more focus you have on your own happiness, healing and self-esteem the more likely you are to take the pressure off yourself and in turn help the self-sabotaging behaviour that keeps cropping up.
So, what to do next?
Get clear on what you're frightened of
I briefly mentioned some of the many reasons that we self-sabotage and to help you get a handle on your self-sabotaging behaviours, it's a good idea to figure out why you're doing them. If you can work out what you're scared of and what you're trying to achieve with such behaviours, it can help you figure out what you need heal from and what deeper work you can undertake to make yourself feel better, safe and self-loving so that you can recognise and move away from these self-sabotage behaviours. I highly recommend doing this process with a medical professional or therapist to ensure you have all the support you need to work through your fears, potential pain or trauma and create personalised steps to help you move forward.
Give yourself a break
It's important to remind yourself that you're simply trying to protect yourself. Your self-sabotage behaviours are your attempt to protect yourself so be compassionate and understand that we all self-sabotage sometimes and this is something you can lovingly work on so that you can create the personal relationship you desire with yourself as well as with others. Self-sabotage is a coping mechanism of sorts and it's simply time to identify the cause of the behaviour and how to replace it with something that is more helpful to you.
Work on your self-worth
Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship in your life. How you feel about YOU is extremely important and the way you feel inside pours out into every area of your life. Your belief in yourself and love for yourself is an incredible tool that you can use to improve your life and overall wellbeing, including romantic relationships. I would recommend journalling, doing some mirror work and affirmations and potentially working with a medical professional or coach to help you see your own worth and become fully confident in who you are, your capabilities and to fully believe that you are deserving of the relationship of your dreams.
There is a lot of incredible knowledge that can be found simply by reading the right books and there are two that I believe everyone can benefit from but particularly in relation to self-sabotage and allowing yourself to be happy.
The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest. This book is one that I often recommend to my clients and solely focuses on self-sabotage. Brianna Wiest has a very straight to the point approach to her writing and it may not be the easiest thing to read but it will certainly be very useful!
The Big Leap by Gay Henricks. This book changed my life and that might sound dramatic but it really did. If you've seen the "lucky girl" trend going round TikTok at the moment you can expect so get a similar vibe from this book. We all have a level of happiness that feels comfortable to us and what Henricks refers to as an "upper limit". When our success or happiness starts to go above that upper limit we engage in behaviour to bring us back down to a level of happiness we are comfortable with and removing this upper limit is key to fulfilling our potential and enjoying life to the fullest. And an added bonus is that his book is super short and sweet so you can get through it and start using the advice in there pretty quickly!
Self-sabotage is a big topic that certainly can't be covered in one little blog post nor am I expert in it. What I do know is that whether you're the writer of this Rant at Rosie submission or a reader who has struggles with self-sabotage themselves, you can overcome this. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have the life of your dreams and if you can start working on believing you are deserving you'll potentially see some big life changes. Go ahead and love yourself, heal your wounds and start living the life you deserve.